Baaje Bawkaa

JaaNra o-kowpoT-e shwikaar kowren je, aamake chenen, taaNra ek byaapar-e ek mot, je aami naaki oshowmbhob rokom baaje boktey paari. Kaaron aami bad jokes-er dead letter office. Ei bad jokes, jetaa aamar mukh diye pun-kouri-r motoh maajhe maajhei dubki mere aabar maatha jhhara diye oThey, shegulo-r proshong-shaa keu kokhuno korey naa kaaron 'It was a good bad joke', naaki 'Dada, gaaRi-ta pechhoney back koriye rakhun' type-er shuntey laage!

Taa, shey jaai hok. Maajhe shaajhe je mon kharaap laage na, taa naa. Tokhun aami ei bhebey mon bhaalo kore nii, je 'baaje' katha-taar Ingriji torjomaa korley daaNraye 'related to sound'. Aar 'sound' katha-taar Ingriji ortho hochhe 'bhaalo' - ei jemon 'He has a sound knowledge of acoustics'.

Shutohraang, byapar-ta ei daaNralo je, aapni Banglaaye aamake gaal dilen, shetaai Ingriji-te proshong-shaa hoye gelo! Shaadhe boley English is a cheeky language!

Kaal chhilo Gonow-tontro dibosh. Aar kichhu kawraar chhilo naa boley decide korechhilam ekta cinema dekhtey jaabo. Aagey theke ticket-o ketey rekhechhilam, kaaron oi din-e ticket-er tiki-r shondhaan pawao mushkil hoye daaNraye. Chhobi-r naam 'Salaam-e-Ishq'. Taatey kaara nei, shetaa bollei bodhoy shubidhey hoy. Kaaron bhawr dupur-e otoh taaroka ek mattor last aami Birla Planetarium-e dekhechhilam.

Promos were quite promising. Taa chhara original-ta - 'Love Actually' - kichhu mohilader khoppor-e porey avoid kortey paarini. Shetao aamar khub ektaa kharaap legechhilo, taa bolbo naa - I am referring to the mohilas, jaader khoppor-e aami porechhilam - not the film!

Taa, shokkal shokkal pouchhey gelaam hall-e. Beriye elaam jokhun, mon-e holo hall naa, hawl-a-hawl. 'Love Actually' tothkkhon-e 'Torture Definitely' hoye geychhey. Gonow-tontro dibowsh-er din-e orokom Maanoshik Gonow... dholaai'!

Ektu porishkaar kore boli.

Ingriji-tey ekta katha achhe 'Royally screwed'. I was 'Salaam-e-Ishqrewed!' Chhobi-ta chaar ghawnTaa lombaa. Ebong jekono patriotic film-er cheye effective. Maane, film-taar Republic Day-r din-i release kawra uchit chhilo. Aamader freedom fighter-der opor-e je maanoshik otyechaar chaalatoh British-ra, taar ektaa nidorshon hochhe oi chhobi. Shudhu ektaai difference - British-ra taaka niye otyichaar kortoh naa!

Half-time-e aami Guard-ke bollam 'Dada, aami baari jaabo!' Shey boley ki na 'Aaj Republic Day hai. Picture khatam hone se pehle nikalne nahi denge...security risk hai!' Taake aami kotoh kore bojhaabar chesTa korlaam je, hall-er bhetor-e thaakle aamar life risk hai, shey bayTaa paashonDow kichhuttei bojhe naa!

Aami ogottya ekta onno Audi-tey dhokaar prochesTa kawratey shekhaneo dhawra porey gelaam. Aamar ticket naaki onno Audi-r. Erokom Auditor gochher lok jon-er pallaye porey phire jetei holo!

Chhobi-tey Vidya Balan-er character-taar ektaa rog hoy, jaar naam hochhe 'Retrograde Amnesia'. Shuntey onektaa amnesia-r retrospective-er moto holeo, case-Taa taa noy. Oi rog jaader hoy, taaNra kono ekta specific kichhu (Vidya Balan-er character-Taar khetrey, taaNr je John Abraham-er shaathe biye hoyechhilo) bemalum bhuley jaaye. Aamar mon-e hoy, end credit-er shomoy nirdeshok mahashoy jodi kaymne Retrograde Amnesia invoke kawra jetey paarey, sheTaa aamne shaamne baatliye dayn, aamar motoh dorshok-der taaholey mongol hobey!

Ei shob koTheen koTheen Ingriji shobdoh shunley baa jaanley aamar ek shaathe onek katha mon-e porey jaaye. Ei jemon, aamar ek purono office-e ek colleague chhilen. Aamar Ingriji uchharon je khub uchho maan-er sheTaa aami kokkhunoi bolbo naa, kintu onaar, maane aamar shei colleague-er Ingriji bawlaa shunley mon-e hotoh unee roj shokaal-e 'The Statesman'-er ThoNgaa-te muri kheye aashten.

Taa, jaai hok, aamar Ingriji uchharon khub neemno maan-er bolei aami onaake besh bhakti-shradhha kortaam. Kintu sheTaa jawlanjali gelo ekdin. GhawTonaa-ta taaholey kholsha kore-i boli.

Office-er Bawro-babu shedin eshechhen khod Bombay theke. Taai emnitei besh hulu-sthul kaando. Aami aar aamar shei shoho-kormi onaar shaathe dekhaa kortey gechhi - tawlob elo jei mattor. Exactly ki aamader-ke jiggyesh korechhilen, baa bolechhilen Bawro-babu sheTaa eddin baad-e powrishkaar kore mon-e nei. Sref ei tuku mon-e achhe 'Sir' jetaa bollen sheTaa-tey shommoti jaaniye, aamar shohokormi sir dolaalen ebong Ingriji-tey ki ekta besh bollen. Byas...aar jaaye kothaaye!

Bawro-babu ekta besh boro rokom-er lompho mere 'tawraak' kore chair theke laafiye uThlen. Dekhben, khub excited hoye gele, baa prochonDoh regey gele, onek-er mukh theke maatri-bhaasha beriye aashe. (Maatri-bhaasha maane aami obishhyi 'Teri maa...' diye shuru baakyo-baan-er katha bolchhi naa!)

Taa, 'Sir' dekhlaam hoThaat Baangal bhaashaye chayNchaatey laaglen "Ki, tumi mor-e 'shuaar' koila?" Aami ritimotoh thotoh-motoh. Aamar shoho-kormi toh praaye murchhaa jaan, aar ki! Aamtaa-aamtaa kore ki besh ekTaa boltey laaglo shey, something to the effect of, "Na na...aami toh Sir...sure sir...aapni sir..."

Aabar 'tawraak'. Ebaar dekhi Bawro-babu aamake borrow korchhen in the conversation, "Oi, oi aabar. Ei, tumi, shunla, shunla? Aabar mor-e 'shuaar' koilo!"

Straight out of 'Pig-malion', na?

Shei je bhoddorlok haashi-r khoraak holen, shey aar thaamlo naa. Onaar chul-gulo shojaaru-r kaaNtaa-r motoh khaaRa khaaRa chhilo. Aar bhoddorlok-er surname chhilo Pyne. Taai aaRaley aabDaal-e lok-e onaake 'Porku Pyne' boleo daakto boley shunechhi.

Ebaar oi dhaar naa maaRiye ek-aadh-taa dhaar kawraa goppo shonaai, oi Ingriji shonkrantoh. Aamar current office-er colleague-er bawlaa eTaa. Shey je college-e portoh, taatey ek teacher chhilen, jaaNr Ingriji gyaan onektaa aamar Hindi gyaan-er motoh chhilo. Shutohraang chhatro-ra besh mawjaa petoh, ebong mawjaa korto-o.

Ei jemon ekdin unii class-e eshe dekhlen, je platform-er opor onaar chair table thaaktoh, shei platform-er opor diye Shatabdi Express choley geychhey. Maane, unii class-e Dhukey dekhen platform, taar opor table, table-er opor chair, ebong chair-er opor ektaa noNgraa nyaakraa gochher kichhu ekTaa.

Orokom ektaa cleaning tower dekhe unii shojaa daaNt pishaatey pishaatey beriye gelen. Jokhun 'Father'-ke niye aabar haajir holen totoh-kkhon-e the raised tower had been razed to the ground. Neechu golaaye chhatro-der 'Baap-baapantoh' kore 'Father'-ke unii bojhaalen "You see, Father. When I enter classroom, I see all the furniture are deranged!"

Tere Beena...

Aaj je Saraswati pujo, taa gotow-kaal aamar gaaRi park kortey giye Terr pelaam. Maane case-Taa hochhe ei, je aamader baaRi-r paashey ekta ek chiltey jaaygaa achhe. Shekhaane shadharonotoh aamar baaRi-olaa-r gaaRi park kawra thaake. Kaal shondhey-bela hothaaT dekhi aamar gaaRi jekhaane gaarod-bondi thaake, shekhaane onaar-Taa shaakar hoye khaaRa.

Bekaar ektu haaNk daak kowraar por jaantey paarlaam je, oi chiltey jaaygaaye chaala taangiye pujo hobey. Kon ek thakur-ke besh shawnkaT-mochon boley. 20th century-r Saraswati dekhlaam shawkaT mochon!

Office-e eshe shunlaam ekhaneo pujo kawrar ekta plan phaaNda hoyechhilo. Kintu jaake ei project-er manager ghowshonaa kawra hoyechhilo, shey peechhiye jaaye. Taake aaRaley deke jiggyesh korlaam je ei beena bondonaa-r idea-ta toh mondo-na moteo, taao shey bina bakkyo-byaay-e orokom purut shaajar shujog-ta phurut kore kaatiye dilo keno.

Shey jaanalo je Saraswati pujo niye owr ekta bhoy achhe. ChhoTo-belay ek baar owr gawla-tey kul-er bichi aaTke gechhilo, tarpor theke 'Saraswati' naam shunlei owr naaki gawla shukiye jaaye! Aar shukno gawlaaye montro toh aar pawRa jaaye naa!

Taake aami onek bhaabe bojhaanor cheshTa korlaam. Bollam je o kul ekhun aar nei, taai boley e kul Dobaanor ki maane? Kintu kono bhaabei kul-er kinaara pawa gelo naa! Emonki 'Tumi ekti kul guy' theke shuru korey 'Tumi ekti kulaangaar' bawlaar poreo, shey not noRon choRon!

Chhotobelaaye ei din-Taar jonno prochonDoh udgreeb hoye opekkha kortaam. Naa, kul khawar probonowtaa aamar kono din-i chhilo naa, kulTa aamar pochhondoh noy. Oi je ekta tradition achhe na, Saraswati pujo-r din 'no powrashonaa', otaai aamake prochonDoh udbuddho kortoh!

Aajkaal ei keyboard aar computer-er joog-e sheTaa chhatro-chhatri-ra aar maane ki na obishhyi jaani naa. Ekhun toh ekdin mail check naa kortey paarley shunechhi lok jon depression-e choley jaaye! Keyboard-er botaam Tepaa-r din-e Topaa kul-er aar bodhoy kono sthaan nei!

Internet-e aajkaal naaki online montro-o pawa jaaye - ei shob pujo accha-r. Ichhe achhe office-er kaaj-er phaaNkey ekta Saraswati-r wallpaper download kore, choTT kore downloaded montro aauRey nebo.

Delhi-r Chitto Park-e aamar baaRi-r paasher pujo kemon hochhe jaantey phone korechhilam. Shunlaam pandit moshai besh choTey achhen. Kaaron-taa aar kichhui na. Ooni ekti bachha chheleke bolechhilen je 'Beena'-r opor kichhu CD niye aashtey. Shey shubodh baalok-er motoh guti chaarek CD eney rekheo diyechhilo.

Mantra pawra aarombho korlen purohit moshai. CD chaalatei heet-e biporeet hoye gelo. Ke ek gaayok, naak-e kaapor taaNganor clip laagiye naaki 'Tere bina...' boley uchhoishowr-e gaan dhorechhilo! '...beena ronjitoh' obdi boley thotho-mothoh kheye giye purut moshai naaki ronjitoh chokkhey kichhukkhon taakiye chhilen CD player-taar dike!

Office-e jokhun pujo holo na, plan kawra hoyechhe shondhey bela shobaai miley Mani Ratnam-er notun chhobi 'Guru' dekhtey jawa hobey. Aami shekhaan theke naam kaatiye nilaam. Omon guru-gombheer chhobi dekhtey aamar besh bhoy laage. Taa chhara, aami Surrealism obdi bujhi. Dali-r phool-er Daali obdi aamar dour. Kintu ei ekhun-kaar 'Shur-shuri-realism' jinish-ta aamar theek bodhogommo hoy naa.

Ei market-er ek nombor morkot - aami!

Thaanda matlab...

Aajkaal Delhi-tey besh jaaNkiye thaanda powRechhe. Maane emon-i thaanda, paaraa naamtey naamtey emon jaaygaaye pouchhechey je prochur lok bolchhen, aar sref paara jachhe na.

Ei shomoy shobcheye beshi laabh hoy dui type-er company-r. Prothom hochhe telephone. Aajkaal-kaar chobbish ghanta-r TV channel-er daulat-e chokkher nimesh-e phone choley aashe Kolkata theke, jei naa khobor-e dekhalo oi Delhi-r temperature kotoh.

Ei ekti mattor shomoy-e lokjon mon diye oi Weather Report dekhey boTey. Onnannyo shomoy toh whether they exist or not, maane oi jaara weather pawRey, shetaai karor kheyaal thaake na. Aami kintu bowrabowr oi ekti jinish khub mon diye dekhtaam - jaake boley aabhawa doptor-er baani. Na, aamar kokhunoi 'Ab hawa thanda hoga, ya garam' ei byapar-e interest chhilo naa - aami mon diye India-r map-ta dekhtaam aar kon state kothaaye taar ektaa khoshra aaNka-r chesta kortaam mawgoj-e.

Aamar state-gyaan jotoTah unstated thaake totoh-Taai bhaalo. Ekbaar mon-e achhe, aami tokhun Class VI-e powRi, aamader Bhugol-er Didimoni aamader shobaaike India-r map eNkey taatey koyekta rajjyo point out kortey bolechhilen. Aami puro ek ghanta dhorey mon diye India-r map eNkechhilam. Khaata jokhun pherot pelaam dekhlaam Didimoni likhe diyechhen 'Aami Mughlai paratha bhaalobaashi, shetaa tumi jaanley ki kowre?'

Oh, haan. Er moddhey toh aabar New year-o eshe choley gelo. Shey ek aajob hirik. Office-e lok jon line beNdhey daaNr koriye 'Happy New Year' shonaabe. Jodi baa keTey beriye gelen, taao chharbe na, eshe haajir hobey aapnaar desk-e.

Maane, aami theek ei concept-ta bujhi naa. ETaao bujhi naa je jokhun aami oi 2nd January, aamar ek colleague-ke onek din baadey dekhe 'Hello' bollam, shey keno 'Same to you' boley choley gelo!

Haan, aabar katha-r khei haariye phellam. Hochhilo oi duto company-r katha jaara ei thaanda-r shomoy gorom business korey. Dwitiyo company hochhe courier service. Taader-o romm-romaa byapar. Praay-i Kolkata theke rowmosh shob monkey cap 'Extremely Urgent' parcel-e korey pouchhey jaaye Delhi shohor-er aanachey kaanachey.

Aamar aabar ekkarei thaanda laage na. Maane etoi laage na, je aami 2 degree celsius-er moddheo half haatha jaama aar jeans powrRey ghoraghuri kori. Ekhun etaar ekta bishaal oshubidhey achhe. Bolchhi keno.

Sheydin raastaaye bohudin por aamar school-er ek Master-moshaai-er shaathe dekhaa holo. Unee-i aamake chinlen, kaaron onaar jaa obosthaa chhilo, aamar pokkhey onaake chena puro-puri oshombhob chhilo.

Maane, kokhuno kono kombol courier hotey dekhechhen, ki? Ebaar visualize korun, shei kombol du paaye heNtey choley berachhe. Na, na, aaro achhe. Aami Master-moshai-ke dekhe pronaam kortey jachhilaam. Neechu hotei goNtta khelaam onaar pet-er kaachhe. Aami iishowt shondigdho drishti-tey taakatey, unii nijei bollen 'Na, na.. pronaam noy'. Aami bhaablaam, modern byapar-shyapar. Taao ekbaar aaRh chokh-e taakiye dekhlaam je onaar khetrey pronaam-ta projojjyo noy, paaye pawRa is far easier.

Unii je obosthaye chhilen tokhun, shetaa kombol bolley bhul hobey - onektaa peyaNj-er motoh. Maane layer upon layer, puro winter clothing-er supermarket. Ki nei, muffler, tupi, gloves, sweater, jacket, cardigan, mojaa - shey ek shottikaarer mowjaa-r drishhyo.

Jaai hok, unii jokhun nije thekei apotti jaanalen, aami aar baad shaadhlaam na. Maane CR Park-er main road-e shaashTangey pronaam kawrar motoh aamar kono ichhei chhilo naa. Taai aami haath baaraalam, with the intention of a handshake. Ki je bhul korlaam, bowlaar noy.

Bhodrolok prothom-e tupi-ta ektu naak theke naamalen. Tarpowr chokh theke oThaalen. Erpowr jacket-er pocket theke haath ber korlen. Prothom-e bhul kowrey baaN haath-er gloves khuley phelechhilen, obhyyesh bowsh-ey. 'Eh, hey' boley aabar oi gloves-ta powrey DaaN haath-er gloves-ta jokhun khultey gelen, dekhlen aami tokhun-o half salute pose-e daaNriye achhi. Onaar bodhoy ektu doyaa holow taai dekhe. Aamake bollen 'Shono, ei gloves-ta ektu khuley daao toh!'

Ei phone shonKrantoh ekta anecdote mon-e powRey gelo. Aamar colleague. Aajkaal aabar thaanda-o jomiye powRechhe. Maaney office eshe ungli prodorshon kortey besh shomoy laage. Taa sheirokom ekta din, office pouchhey uni kauke ekta phone kowrechhilen. Bolaai bahullyo maatha aar aangul-er moddhey cross connection hoye giye, jaa dial kowraar katha chhilo taa naa hoye onno kono ektaa nombor hoye gechhilo. HoThaat shuni aamar shei colleague besh jowr kaukey ektaa dhowmok dichhen 'Well, if it is the wrong number, why did you pick it up?'

Ei phone niye aamar-o besh kharaap obhiggowtaah achhey. Aamake jehetu thaanda jinish-ta affect korey naa, aamar bujhtey ektu shomoy laage ki how others and their daily routine get influenced by this winter. Ei jemon...ei dhorun, besh kichhudin aagekaar katha. Sheet-kaal je bolaai bahullyo. Shondher dik. Aami aamar ek superior-ke phone korechhi. Tokhun kawTa baaje - ei 9-9:30pm.

Bhodro-taar khaatir-e the first thing I asked was 'Were you sleeping? Did I wake you up?'

Uttor eloh 'Ek ghanta powrey phone koro. I shall be sleeping then!' Click.